Champions

Finally, things are taking an upturn for me. Even through all this chaos, this confusion, and the things that are determine to break me, I’m still fighting. I’ve decided that I’m not going to let the opposing forces defeat me. I’ve made it this far, so why not keep going? I’m just getting tired, tired of having to fight for every single good thing that has happened to me. For once, can’t just one good thing be given to me without any catches?

Luckily enough, Tim has granted this wish for me. At the beginning of this semester, I was so lost, so confused about which way to turn, and so I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do for an internship. I withdrew from the world, and I barely spoke to anybody. Often, a lot of people thought I’d dropped off the planet. So, naturally, Tim became concerned about how I was doing. I figured that I better get in touch, and let him know that yes, I was still alive, even though sometimes it felt like just barely. Over the course of the semester, we met several times, and I confessed I had no idea what I wanted to do for an internship, but I had a couple of outlines for what I wanted to do with my future. So, Tim, in a series of brainstorms and excitement, actually came up with a solution, and gave me my answer. Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand everything he’d said. I probably only comprehended and maintained one of every hundred words he threw at me, but I got the general concept. To be honest, I was working through a lot of things that threatened my sanity, and well, my will to keep fighting. But, of course, I was so excited, so pleased that I was being given this opportunity.

As the weeks progressed, things just steadily worsened. It seemed like I wasn’t ever going to catch a break. I was dealing with the twisted emotions of a messy breakup, fighting a sickness that my body couldn’t get rid of, going through trauma therapy, dealing with the aftermath of the rape cases, and losing just about everything, or everyone, that I considered stable in my life. A couple of times, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and say fuck it all. But I couldn’t, it would mean giving up. No matter how tired of it all I was, how exhausted I’d become, it’s not in my nature to give up. One day, I just woke up and decided I would keep fighting, and that I was sick of being miserable. Sure, my life was spiraling out of control, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t smile. Some days were better than others, some worse. But each day, some things seem to get easier. For once, I am completely sure that yes, I am a fighter. I am a survivor.

I haven’t slept in weeks, or when I do, despite what time I go to bed, I have been up at 4 AM every single morning. And I cannot go back to sleep. It’s annoying, it’s irritating, and frankly it pisses me off. This insomnia is getting ridiculous. But it’s just another thing on my plate that I’ll have to deal with. Hell, I’m used to it by now. Sleep is just something I wish for. Or, on the nights that I actually do get to sleep, I have nightmare after nightmare, often ones I struggle to wake up from. When I do wake up, I’m clammy, disoriented, and terrified of trying to go back to sleep. And let me tell you, these nightmares, or dreams, are fucked up. I have no explanation for them. So, while I’m up at the early morning hours, my mind is whirling a thousand miles a minute, and I am thinking about everything I have, everything I want, and everything I am willing to fight for. The biggest thing I’m willing to fight for: my future.

I will not, will not falter. I know it’s going to be another struggle, another fight, another tear, time and time again, but this is what I want. This is what I’m excited for. So, the other day, I met with Tim, and he was kind enough to buy me a coffee. We settled at a corner table in Jazzman’s and discussed everything that had happened this semester, the diagnosis, the capstone, my writing, and just what I wanted for my future. What I want is to be successful, to be happy, and to change the world. What I want is something to be excited about. And Tim gave me just that, which I’m so thankful for. So, it is official, this summer, I will be interning as an Editorial Assistant for CCPI, and working in all sort of areas that will challenge, but also enhance my writing abilities and gives me a chance to prove myself. What I’m most excited about is that I’ll be working with people from all over the world, in a variety of areas, and it will really be a learning experience, one that I am going to value so much. Unfortunately, I’ll be returning to Poultney this summer and working for Gulf, that unsatisfactory shithole, but Tim understands that I have to do what I have to do. We’re going to work around that schedule, and for the first time in almost three years, I am looking forwards to my summer after college. I am so happy, so eager for this chance to prove myself. It’s just one more step towards what I hope to be a better, brighter future.

As far as Fall of senior year goes, I’m excited for that too. For the first time, I got into ALL the classes I wanted, though it means having classes every day of the week. But I can deal with that. And surprisingly, I have an easy course load. I’m actually only taking four classes, because I have extra credits from the previous semesters. I’m actually excited about this, because an easy semester is exactly what Tim thinks I need--and I agree wholeheartedly. When I come back in the Fall, and everything settles down, Tim talked about introducing me to one of his contacts at an NGO in Shelburne, and learning about just how an NGO operates and what their projects are all over the world. There was even talk about finally, finally going to Egypt! I have wanted this for years, and before I came to Champlain and met so many wonderful people, it never seemed like a possibility. I am so excited I can barely contain myself or keep the smile from my face. I finally know what I want in my future--to be an investigative journalist who advocates for human rights, and a creative writer-and these are finally steps that are leading in that direction. For once, something is going right for me. I finally have hope that yes, perhaps I will have a happy future.

None of this would’ve been possible if it weren’t for my counselor, Jen, my understanding professors, or especially Tim, fighting for me, and along side me, every step of the way. I have never had so many people who care about me, believe in me, and are willing to do whatever they can to help me. It’s finally here, at Champlain, that I’m beginning to learn what healthy, stable relationships are, and what it’s like to actually have people care about you, and root for you to do everything you love. It’s such an incredible feeling, and each and every day, I want to prove them right, that yes, I have what it takes. No words can express how much it means to me, how much it’s changed me. I just want you all to know, I am eternally grateful. So, in these six little words that mean worlds to me, thank you so much, for everything.