My Own Apocalypse.

So, I have discovered a new perspective. That I, Tara, the Ice Queen, actually can smile. Terrifying notion, isn't it? I forgot what it was like to hear the sound of my own laughter. It's been nice to have it fill the air the last couple of days. Apparently I do have a heart, even if it's been ripped out. It seems it can grow back. I guess I do have a soul, after all.Surprises me, even. I would have to say that Love seems to be my downfall. On the rare occasion that I do feel it, it seems to consume me completely, and tends to render my judgment blind. But isn't that the catch, they say? "Love is blind." True story. How do you even know when you love someone? What are the tell tale signs? Are there even any? Is it surprise candlelit dinners, rose-scented bubblebaths, or multiple kisses on the forehead? Is it constantly being held, even when you quick and squirm, get pissed, and frustrated because all you crave is those few precious hours of sleep? Is it your significant other clamping his arm over your writhing body, always around the waste, and removing it only when he's assured you've tired yourself out and curl up into his neck. Is it his engulfing warmth that silences and calms you? Maybe.

Maybe it was his gentle touch that soothed me throughout the dark hours of the night. Maybe it was the way his entire body encased mine, like an armored suit of flesh and blood. Maybe he was the way his lips caressed mine, fully, completely, over and over again. Lost in the nights of heated passion, claiming me as his own. Or softly, tenderly, pecks against the moist pink canvases. Maybe I was lost in abandon and lust. But when his eyes, his deep brown eyes, burned into my own blue ones, I knew. He searched me completely, soundlessly, casting his silent spell. I knew my eyes told him much. They usually masked so much, but somehow he managed to break through. I never even bothered to raise the defenses. I didn't think I wanted too.

I'd defined myself by "an us" for so long, I'd forgotten what my own separate happiness was. I was my own person, yet a different one connected to him. With him, was bliss. Without him was lost. Or was it? There was once a time when we couldn't bare to be away from each other. It was like we could never get enough. Everyday, we smiled at the thought of being able to wake up next to each other. The time apart was full of thoughts of one another, and a longing, for just a glimpse of, a word from, or a kiss for each other. It was the newlywed stage, I suppose, of the relationship. When each moment mattered more than the next. Each day waking up was full of excitement. It was like a dream, too good to be true. I never wanted to wake up.

A Fool For Love

Fuck you. Fuck you, and all we ever stood for. How could I have fallen so easily for the whole "I still love you" and "i still care about you" bullshit? It was so. fucking. easy. I still love you, even though apparently it's evident I shouldn't. I gave you everything, everything I had to give, and you gave me nothing back. Just kept taking, and then making me feel like the asshole if we ever disagreed. You were my fucking world. I'd do anything for you. I loved everything about you. Everything. The way you looked at me, the way you made me feel like I was on top of the world, the way you made me feel like I was the only one who mattered. The only one for you. You made me feel...something I'd never felt before. For the first time in three years, my heart felt...whole. I loved you so much that it hurt. Yes, as cliche as that sounds, physically hurt. It scared the shit out of me. Every time I looked at you, I fell in love with you all over again. Each and everyday, I fell harder. And I never knew if you were going to be there to see me fall. But I took a chance, an honest chance, and for awhile I believed you. I believed you loved me, was in love with me, and I made you happy. For the first time ever, I wasn't going to run from my feelings. You made me feel so sexy, so wanted, so amazing...so alive. I never worried with you. I was...safe. I once told you that being in love with you was one of the best feelings in the world. I meant those words completely. Now, I wish I could take them back and shove them down my own throat. I shouldn't have been such an idiot. I shouldn't have believed you so easily. I should never have fallen in love with you. They once asked me if I still loved you. I greeted with silence, though I know my eyes revealed the truth. I do. Absolutely, completely, entirely. And that makes me ten times more the fool.

Cruel Intentions

You’re not good enough for him.....

....

I never said I was.....

....

He’s a soldier boy now, sweetheart. He doesn’t need you anymore. Who are you?.... ....

Who am I? If only I knew. Maybe I wouldn’t keep running… I’m a country girl with big city dreams. A girl who ran away when she was eighteen. Who’s been through too much. One who can’t sleep night after night. Who, when she finally does get those few precious hours, wakes up screaming into the darkness. Shadows and cowardice haunt my nights. I’m a girl who’s been stripped and beaten, bruise upon bruise streaking my flesh. Sorrow spreading through my veins like a disease, wretched and gnarled. I’m scarred. I’m fucked up. I’m a girl who doesn’t know how to love.

Then why have you snarled your pathetic claws into him?

I love him.....

Ha, love. A pathetic foolhardy game. You said yourself you were incapable of love.....

I know I do love him. Perhaps too much.....

Ha, then you’re ten times more the fool.....

So be it.....

You silly girl, hissed in the darkness.

Do you think he loves you?....

Yes.....

....

What’s going to happen when he’s gone and traveled the world? Is he even going to want you? ....
I hope so.....
You’re pathetic. He won’t even remember you exist. ....

Yes, he will. He loves me.....
Just like he’ll “love” the next one who comes along. He’ll find someone more worthy than you. Someone who will never betray him.

I’d never do anything to hurt him.....

Bullshit. You disgust me. You’re nothing better than a common whore.

NO.....

Yes. A slut. Never anything better.